i bent over to shampoo my hair and big splats of blood started appearing on the white scrubbed floor of our outdoor bath and toilet makeshift.
water from my body flowed to my feet and they gradually washed the stains away. i immediately started pouring water to get rid of the sods and wrapped the towel around my body. by the time i reached my room the towel was half red.
blood always made me panic. You see, i bleed hard and fast and long. The last time i lost blood it was from a small but deep cut on my finger. And my Mom got paler than me. She's the Teacher Nurse tending first grade students for 8 years and shes used to seeing kids cut and bleed and crack but she says i bleed like i lost a limb.
so i braced myself before i looked at the mirror.
blood flowed freely from my nostrils, cascading moustache-like to my mouth and then down to my neck and then between my breats. But panic wasnt what i felt then... it was odd detachment.
pretty much the same way i felt seeing him again after all these months.
his hair has grown long, cut to nothing and has grown shaggy again since he left me standing on that dark ally. Too hurt to cry...
our elbows touched when he tried to copy my impulse to put both hands at the back of my head when i think of something interesting to say and the usual spark of electricity wasnt there anymore. we forked pizza slice after pizza slice and made small talk over jobs and sleeping habits and crushes and dining manners and looked at him from behind the pizza slices and i couldnt recall what it was that made me burn horny about that slight shy smile and that reflex to wet his lips. we smoked after and i felt bored. and when the long hand of the clock neared 12 i was relieved.
he didnt kiss me goodbye. and i wasnt dissappointed.
on second thought... i was. My first love (or whatever it was) was such a waste.
and here comes another Prince Charming to save the Lady pretending to be in distress. The leaning on his shoulder and the wraping of my fingers around his were automatic. I had to mentally note not to say "i love you" after every text message. I wish he knows im not letting it grow any deeper.
Remember City of Angels? Great sacrifices and great expectations based on the heart is bullshit.
these are the things that make me feel: angry